What If Sobriety Is Really About Self-Love? EP 138

I'll love myself when...

...I lose the weight.

...I stop drinking.

...I get my shit together.

...I finally become the woman I think I should be.

Sound familiar?

Here's the problem:

What if you don't have to change first... to deserve your own love?

This month on Sober & Lit, we're talking dating, sex, intimacy and relationships.

But we're starting with the relationship underneath ALL of them:

The one you have with yourself.

In this episode we're getting curious about:

• Why we give everyone else compassion... except ourselves
• How alcohol can quietly break self-trust
• Why alcohol doesn't actually “fix” what you're feeling
• How boundaries can be an act of self-love
  
  

💕 If you want to explore self-love in your sobriety journey, book a free discovery call with Coach Ruby.
🧡 Here's the link to schedule a call with Coach Ruby:
https://coachingwithruby.com/Chat

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Join our private community! 

Connect with the Podcast Hosts:
Susan Larkin Coaching https://www.susanlarkincoaching.com
Ruby Williams at Freedom Renegade Coaching https://www.freedomrenegadecoaching.com/

Follow Susan: @drinklesswithsusan
Follow Ruby: @rubywilliamscoaching

It is strongly recommended that you seek professional advice regarding your health before attempting to take a break from alcohol. The creators, hosts, and producers of the The Feel Lit Alcohol Free podcast are not healthcare practitioners and therefore do not give medical, or psychological advice nor do they intend for the podcast, any resource or communication on behalf of the podcast or otherwise to be a substitute for such.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

We're kicking off something really fun this month, love lit September. But before we talk about dating, sex, intimacy, and relationships this month, we're starting with the relationship underneath all of them, the one you have with yourself. But what does self-love actually mean? Because it's not bubble baths, pedicures, and loving everything you see in the mirror. Today we're talking about what it means to have your own back. Stop putting conditions on your self-worth, and start treating yourself like someone you genuinely love. So welcome to Love Lit September.

SPEAKER_01 0:34

Welcome to Sober and Lit, the podcast for women who want to get sober, stay sober, and live a life that's way more lit than it ever was with wine.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

We're your hosts, Ruby and Susan, two alcohol freedom coaches keeping it real with stories, tools, and zero judgment. Whether you're sober, curious, or all in, you're in the right place. Let's feel lit alcohol free. Welcome back to the Sober and Lit Podcast. I'm here with Coach Susan. I'm Coach Ruby, and today we're starting with one of the most important relationships that you'll ever have in your life, and that's the one you have with yourself. So let's dig into this topic of self-love. So, Susan, when you hear self-love, what does that actually mean to you?

SPEAKER_01 1:18

I don't know. I think I just grew up in a way where we just weren't touchy-feely and we didn't even talk about that kind of thing. Like self-love was conceited, or you know, being somebody who was too full of themselves. So it was something I really struggled with, actually uh liking myself and feeling good about myself. And that it's something I worked on through emotional sobriety after I stopped drinking.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Yeah, for like I really relate because a lot of my life I didn't even know what self-love meant. I really didn't. It felt kind of woo-woo, you know. And I really was good at taking care of everybody else, like holding everything together. I was, you know, working hard, single mom, pushing through. I had child custody battles, foreclosure, demanding career. And then I gained 100 pounds and had weight loss surgery and all of that. I just was trying to fix it and do the next thing, you know. But then after, you know, I had the surgery, you know, alcohol became my coping tool. And eventually I just was breaking promises with myself over and over again. And and just like, I think it's like that not trusting myself, not having my back, thinking tomorrow I'll do better. And looking back, I think one of the biggest things that alcohol took from me was that relationship with myself. And and so strange that becoming alcohol free, it wasn't really that's what I keep saying in all of my like coaching and everything I talk about. It's it's like we become alcohol free on this alcohol-free journey, but it's really like finding and finding your your your self-love, finding going back to yourself, finding your heart, your who you really are. And so we're gonna talk about some some ideas here and and really replacing that shame with curiosity and self-compassion. Those are some big, big things that we always talk about, right, Susan? But yeah, so today I think self-love, you know, it just I'm gonna really stress like having your own back. And it's not, it's not like looking in the mirror and just being like, oh, I just love myself, you know, like but it's really it's an an inner thing. So yeah. So do you have yeah, story you'd like to share around any of that when I when you were listening to my story? I don't know, maybe something came up.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Yeah, I think that I never used the term self-love. I worked on it through self-compassion, having compassion for myself. Although I remember, and you know, our journey doesn't always start right when we get alcohol free. Like I think there's so many things that build up to it. And one thing was my relationship with my body, my relationship with exercise. And I remember when I joined this gym back in 2011, the owner of the gym, she's awesome. It's called Tough Girl. And she said, you know, you can't hate yourself, you can't hate your body into better shape. You know what I mean? And it's about being strong and it's about being more, not less. And that mindset shift, in fact, you know, when I first started there, we had mirrors. She got rid of all the mirrors. We work out with no mirrors, and it just it was just so different instead of sitting there looking at your body, going, okay, I'm doing these lunges for thin thighs, thin thighs, thin thighs, you know, like, or or hate my thighs. So I'm gonna do more. I'm gonna do more lunges because I hate my thighs. Instead, it was just like, no, we're not here to punish ourselves for what we ate. We cannot hate yourself to a different place. And so it's like even the starting place is coming to maybe a place of neutrality. Like, I have thighs and they're strong and they carry me and they and you know. So that's where it kind of started with this thought that you can't hate yourself to a better place. And then that sort of translated over, or I remembered that and that came into play when I was in my sobriety journey because that's what I was trying to do is beat myself up enough to where I'd finally like change this behavior, and that wasn't working. And we've talked about that before in other episodes. You can't hate yourself better.

SPEAKER_00 5:22

Right. And for me, it's my thighs too. And so I was just relating and and like looking at myself because as soon as I look at myself in the mirror, yes, if I'm at an exercise class, I immediately have like a barrage of negative thoughts. So I think it's about yeah, flipping that mindset to noticing I do have thighs and they allow me to walk around. And I I actually love my thighs, but it's it's really, even when I said that right now, there's a little cringy of because my whole life was just my thighs are fat, my thighs are my thighs, like all my life. So it's it's a practice. I guess, I guess what I want to say, and and this is good, is like self-love is really a lifelong practice to just noticing and gently guiding to more compassionate thoughts and more compassionate, loving, loving, because we we really didn't create ourselves. You know, we we're here, we have these these bodies, these minds, and we can we can really give our human existence a really lovely time. And if we can just kind of step aside and and learn to love ourselves. So the first, I have like three pillars I thought we'd go through, Susan. And self-love without conditions is the first. Like, why is it so easy for women to love other people without conditions? Like our children, our loved ones, our spouse, our and but we put hundreds of conditions on our own selves. Like I'll love myself when I lose weight, or when I stop drinking, or I'll love myself if I'm in a a marriage. You know, I remember thinking when I was younger, I needed to be married, or when I'm successful, or when I finally get my shit together, right? I I always felt like I didn't have my shit together, so I was just again beating myself up in my head. But we don't generally love our children or our closest friends because they've achieved enough. We love them because they are, they they just exist like we love them. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think about that question, you know, that we have conditions?

SPEAKER_01 7:36

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I think it's especially this body image we keep coming back to, you know. I love myself if I lose this much weight, or I'll feel successful, or that'll help me even be more successful, which is crazy because there's just bodies that are there's so many bodies and they're so many different shapes. And at the gym I go to, there's so many different women, they are so strong, they're picking up 30 pounds and doing, you know, overhead presses, and they're like so strong, and every body is beautiful, and I see that and I accept that in others, but not in myself. Sometimes I'm won't I'm getting there, I'm learning. But again, your point is we didn't create ourselves, and in my faith, I believe God created me, he created this body. And if he loves me, who am I to not love me? You know what I mean? And to hate what he created. That's that just that just made me think there. I was like, whoa, that's pretty serious. And yeah, I guess I yeah, I was so this may be an aside on a rabbit trail. Okay, I love your rabbit trails. Just last night, I was playing pickleball and I was looking around and there was some guys, and it was a kind of good-looking guy, and you know, playing pickleball, and I was like, but he had like a stocky body, right? And I thought, but he would still be considered a good looking man. But I thought if he were a woman with a stocky body, would the woman be considered a good looking woman? And I just feel like there's this one ideal of what a good looking woman is. And this is, you know, we I don't even know the guy, you know what I mean? He could be a jerk, you know. So that's beside who he is, right? But just looking at him. And how come that's men just have I just thought men have so much more latitude, you know, of what's good looking compared to women. And that just made me, I don't know, it made me really frustrated. I thought that sucks.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

Right. And they age better, right? The wrinkles and the gray hair, like they look distinguished rather than we, you know.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes they have no hair. So yeah, yeah. But anyway, that's a weird aside, but it also I think it's a woman problem. So it brings it back to the women of we have we have these expectations of ourselves that are just unrealistic. Some of our bodies just were not made that way. We're stockier, that's who we are, you know, and to like force our body into a slim, tall, slim person, you know, that's just not real that's impossible. So we're then we're trying to, you know, it so what we're striving for is impossible. And then we're if we're hanging our self-worth on something that's impossible, and it's all about external instead of internal and who we are as people and like really being beautiful on the inside.

SPEAKER_00 10:19

You're making a really good point. And but it is more just external than you know, going deeper is one thing you could try, which I I do suggest this with clients to just try it, is you know, looking at yourself in the mirror and just saying the words and looking in your eyes, I love you, and maybe even adding like a loving word, like sweetie honey, my you know, hey babe. It could be more like babe or girl, you know, a little more funny, but like, or it could be more just like honey bear. I used to call my son honey bear. But would I ever call myself that? You know, like hey Ruby honey bear, I love you, you know. So that's just something to try. I know it's hard. That just makes me cringe. I I know, but it's but a practice. What if you tried it? And yeah, the first time you might cringe and like, oh my gosh, that's so but think about it as like, huh, let me try it again. Just like, you know, we talk about self-care and all these other things. There's so many like gentle things. Because if we truly love ourselves, this is another thing I love to say. Why would we put poison, toxin of alcohol into our bodies if we truly, truly love ourselves and want the best for ourselves? You know, then alcohol might be able to. That's just one one way to maybe there's so many like coaching tactics and tools and mindset shifts, but that could be one too. Like if I really love myself and want to just not like again, and you're not looking in the mirror and being like, I'm the most sexiest, hottest. Well, maybe you want to, but like it's just about like love. Because self-love is listening to yourself within. That's my second pillar I wanted to talk about. You know, where my question might be, Susan, like it's where in your life have you abandoned yourself just to keep someone else comfortable? And that's when you're not listening to yourself, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

That was drinking for me. It was abandoning myself and just drinking over things, like, all right, well, this is how it is. So I'm just gonna drink over it instead of like being more assertive and and changing things that you know I would that weren't comfortable for me or that I didn't agree with, you know. I think that's a form of self-love. And when when I think of self-love or not abandoning myself, I think if you love yourself, it's also about like how you feel overall in your life. If you love yourself, why would you want to be hung over? If you love yourself, why would you want to be numbing out every night, you know, and just sitting there and watching Netflix, you know what I mean? And I think that's what happens as it's experiential though. It's like when you're on this side, you just don't know that because you haven't experienced it. And then that's part of the journey is like starting to experience this new life and going, I want this. This is so much better. I deserve this, I want this new life, which is full and abundant and present and eyes open and not numbed out. So that's more when I think of like the whole, like, you know, I would definitely be more wisecracking if I was looking at myself in the mirror versus the, you know, like, well, I did do a period where I just looked myself in the eye and I said, I've got your back, lady. Like now I now I knew I had my own back because I was sober, I was present, and you know, starting to live in live that way was so different and be able to look myself in the eye and not be like, Oh crap, but you did it again, lady. You know, okay, here we are again. You know, like not even being able to just look myself in the eye was, you know, yeah, that's the first step.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Yeah, baby steps, right? Yeah. But yeah, oh, we are getting to got our back. That's my next one. But I want to say that the most fundamental question, like when you want to just abandon yourself to keep someone else comfortable, is really like I put my hands here and then I just ask myself, what do I really need right now? And if you're still struggling with alcohol, you know, that is like a really fundamental question. It's about listening to yourself and like really, is it that I'm hungry? You know, you can go to HALT, one of the our tools, right? The are you my hungry? Am I angry? Which means like, am I really emotional? Am I tired? You know, am I am I what's the other one? A lonely, angry? I think I got them all. Yeah. Or maybe yeah, and with alcohol, we just want to like fix it, right? Or or it's just it becomes an automatic fix without taking that pause. You just take a pause, take a breath. And again, I put my hands in, and then just what is my body trying to tell me? You know, and then and you what you know, if I could lead this with love, you know, if it if you really say, like, I'm tired, well, that's like a it's like a little love letter from your body that's saying, I'm tired, I need to rest. Maybe you need a nap, maybe you need to go to bed early. And it's truly listening within. I think this is this is a big part of finding that self-love, is listening within. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

And then and thinking of alcohol as fixing it, it doesn't fix it. It's a switch, it switches it off, but it doesn't actually fix it. If you're tired and you drink and you just keep soldiering on, you're not fixing the tiredness, you're just numbing it out, you know. So you're not actually fixing it.

SPEAKER_00 15:53

And then you sleep poorly, so you're gonna be more tired the next day, and it starts that that never-ending cycle where you're on that that wheel. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Well, I especially see this with loneliness because if you're lonely and you drink, you're keeping yourself in that loneliness, you're not fixing your loneliness, right? You're not right in a position to reach out or to decide, oh, you know, maybe I want to call a friend or plan, go to a pottery class, or just like really look into how do I create more relationships or more more community in my life. You're just drinking and numbing it. So again, it's never fixing it. Our brain thinks it's fixing it, our subconscious brain, our stupid brain, but it's not really fixing it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:38

Right. Yeah. And I really, really relate to that loneliness because you know, alcohol just got smaller and small. I made my life smaller and smaller because I was lonely, but then when I I had a real hard, fast rule, I wasn't going to call anybody after I started drinking. So it makes me more lonely. Again, yeah, really good point. Well, back to got your back, because that's my third pillar that I really want to talk about. Self-love is truly having your own back. That's how I, you know, love to I word it exactly the same as you, Susan. Like, I've got my back. And this is where you're creating boundaries, you know, around people pleasing. It could also be boundaries around dating and intimacy and having your own back there. So, you know, it's so interesting. I hear this so often in my coaching, is like, I don't want to disappoint someone, you know. But when you have your own back, you can, well, maybe you're not even disappointing someone, but because setting up boundaries is actually a loving thing to do for both you and the other person, especially yourself. Because then you're not abandoning yourself. You're let you're saying, when can you say no? Or when can you when do you want to say yes? It's about, you know, choosing, yes, going, yes, I want to do this, or no, I really don't want to do this. And really, again, listening to your own intuition, own self. Can I tell someone what I need? It's also about finding your own voice. When you have your back, you can share your needs in a kind way. Can I be alone without assuming something's wrong with me? And again, working with clients. I know you do this too, Susan, where we like kind of come up with solitude versus alone. You know, they're two different words that mean so to me, they mean so such different things. Can I trust what I feel? How about feel you know, are feelings signals, you know, rather than you know, just like, oh, I feel bad or like bad feelings, good feelings. They're all just feelings. So what does look having my question was going to be Susan, like, what does having your own back look like today? You know, right now when you have your own back.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Yeah. Or just to ask our listeners, just take a moment here and and ask yourself, what is it having your own back look like? And where do you want to make some improvements in that area? Yeah. Or grow. I would say maybe grow in that area. Yeah. And can you look yourself in the eye and say, hey, babe, got your back.

unknown 19:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:10

Right. So start off you slow, you know. I guess I went to write like saying I love you might be the thing you build up to. And just like looking at yourself in the eye. And I love also the high five habit, you know, just like, hey, like you celebrate. Like, I did it. I did good today. You know, start there and and just like looking at yourself. And what do you like about yourself? Maybe there's something you like, your smile or your hair or something, and start just being kind. Yeah. Well, I'd love to share a a client's story. Uh just a story. I made up a name, you guys. So Anne. So she used to feel like she was never quite enough. And she spent years taking care of everyone else, saying yes when she wanted to say no, criticizing her body, and just using wine at the end of the day to escape how exhausted and disconnected she felt. And what Anne really wanted was to feel comfortable just being herself, trusting her own choices, and to know that she mattered too. And so she could feel worthy of her own self-love self-love. So Anne kept trying to fix herself. You know, she would lose weight or try to drink less or be more productive, you know, making everyone else around her happy, believing that when I finally get this right, then I'll feel good about myself. But that just didn't work. So then Anne realized that she'd been treating self-love like something she had to earn instead of a relationship she could start to build. And you can start to build it right now. So Anne tried something different. She started asking, What would I do now if I had my own back? What would I do now if I had my own back? And so she practiced saying no without overexplaining, listening to her body when it needed rest, became curious instead of critical when she struggled, and she began making small choices that her future self would thank her for. And then something started to change again. It's a practice little by little, just keep kind of shifting things. And it wasn't like suddenly she had self-love and may not even have called it that. She has so much str self-trust, stronger boundaries, more compassion for the woman that she used to be, right? That that woman she used to be. So it's just a completely different relationship with herself, with alcohol, and and and that found that kind of self-worth. So often a lot of people and clients and women are saying, I'm not worthy. So you become worthy. Yeah. She didn't become a different woman, but she could find self-love. And yeah, that's what she wanted all along.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Oh my gosh, I think you're describing like almost every woman I work with. I think there's a lot of people who are gonna see themselves in Japan. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's really And I think this is one of the reasons why women drink. Yeah. And that's why it's women's drinking is so different than men's drinking, in my opinion. And that's we're working specifically working with women. You know, the reasons why women drink are just different than men.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

We are a lot of us women who are listening. You might be in midlife. You have we've had children, we've had there's just so much different responsibilities placed on us. And then we want to relax and exhale at the end of the day. And that was our, you know, our coping tool. Not even coping, but relaxing tool. Yeah. Well, the experiment I'd love for you to try, which we've been suggesting kind of here, is is when you're about to make a choice, you know, whether it's pouring a drink or saying yes when you really want to say no, or or skipping rest to just push through, you know, soldier on as Coach Susan says. Like pause and ask. Again, the question if I had my own back right now, what would I do? And then just notice the answer without judging. Yeah. So maybe at the end of the day, you could write down a moment when you had your own back. You know, maybe you you took a breath and rested or set a boundary, chose not to drink. That's a big one. And then you can high-five yourself in the mirror, you know? Yay! And yeah. So self-love isn't something you just suddenly find. It's something that you discover by practicing how you want to treat yourself. So yeah, if you want to talk more about this, you know, please feel free to book a discovery call. I'll put the show the link in the show notes, but it's just coaching with Ruby.com slash chat if you're driving. Yeah. And now, Susan, it's it's our our listener's favorite part of the show, our favorite part of the show too. What are you doing in your life to feel lit? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:52

Well, lately, so I started writing. I've been writing, and I've started writing some things on for Substack, and I'm writing through a lens of my faith and telling my sobriety story, including a lot of the stuff around my church and my faith and and how that played a part in my in my drinking and in my sobriety story and in my choice to become a coach as well. That it felt more like a calling than, you know, just switching careers or something and or a ministry. And yeah, so I've been experimenting with Substack. I don't, I don't know what the heck I'm doing, but I just write these things and I post them on Substack and I don't even really get how Substack works, to be honest with you. But uh it's kind of like an email thing. So if you subscribe, you get whatever I wrote by email, but you can also just follow if you're on Substack and just see different things that I've written. And there's a big Christian community on Substack and I've kind of been able to meet some other people there in the Christian sobriety movement or other writers. And again, I don't really consider myself a writer, but I I was a pretty good writer, like in high school and college, and I just I'd gotten away from it. So now I'm just experimenting with expressing myself through writing.

SPEAKER_00 25:09

And it sounds exciting.

SPEAKER_01 25:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Yeah, I think I would be I haven't gone into Substack yet because yeah, I don't see myself as a writer. Like I wouldn't say Ruby is a writer. So but you're giving me, I don't know, like, okay, it's possible. You know, you go you're you're so brave in going first. Maybe I could try it.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

Well, I'll don't have to do the same things either. Like the things that make me feel it may not make you feel it, you know. So it's experimenting with things. And it's just like when we when I work with clients, I'm always like, okay, you know, we work on those things that that, you know, replenish our physiology, that regulate our nervous system, and but not everything works for everybody. And so I'm always like, you know, here's an idea. Let's experiment with this. You let me know. You know, does this light you up? And if it doesn't, then no. There's plenty of other things we can try. So if writing isn't lighting you up, the one I wrote that I really love is called Goody Two Shoes. And then I got that Adam Ann song along with it when I was posting it. And it was really about my journey and how I really had that binary thinking about if I didn't drink, I was good, and if I drank, I was bad. Not even if I drank, if I overdrank, and you know, with my limits that I, you know, put on myself and just how that kept me stuck because I was just so mad at myself all the time and beating myself up.

SPEAKER_00 26:30

Yeah, I can't wait to I hope yeah, sign up for Coach Susan's a Substack and read. Yeah, I read it and it was so good. That's what I'm doing to feel lit right now. So inspiring. Yeah, so inspiring. Thank you for sharing that. Well, just to close today, yeah, one of my clients shared this and she said, You have shown me how to trust first you and then myself. The support, encouragement, and guidance has been life-changing. So self-love is about having your own back. And sometimes that might be mean meaning to say to yourself, like, I'm ready for support. So if alcohol is a place where you've been struggling to trust yourself, please book a free discovery call. You know, we can just chat about it. You can tell me where you're at, where you want to be, and I'm and what I might do to help get you there. All right, because choosing support actually is an act of self-love, you know. So again, look at the show notes for links and just thank you for listening today. And remember, do something today to feel lit. Thanks so much for listening to the Sober and Lit podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, we would love it if you would subscribe, rate, and review. It really helps get the word out. And remember, do something today to help you feel lit. See you next week.